God Did It!

The story goes that one of the gods worshipped by the ancient Hebrews got jealous, apparently jealous of other gods, so he decided to seek out a people to be his chosen people to worship just him, all by hisself.

So Yahweh found the ancient Hebrews and somehow sent millions of them to Egypt to be slaves, who he could then save, setting up a pattern of religions being both the disease and the cure to be followed ever since.

Anyway, as the story goes, Yahweh helped “his people” to escape the slave owners of Egypt and then took them on a two week walk to what he called the “promised land” that is land Yahweh was giving his “chosen people” to be their own, where they could live and worship in peace. This two week slow walk took 40 years under Yahweh’s Google Maps-less guidance, but eventually they got to the border of Canaan (then under Egyptian rule, but why let facts get in the way of a good story). But when the leaders of the group looked across the border, they said “What the fuck? There are already people there!”

Yahweh said “Stop whining! Did you think I would just give you the land? Well, bubies, you have to earn it. So, take up your swords and start slaying all of those people over there.”

So, the Hebrews slayed and they slayed and they slayed. They killed men, children, and women (well, the ugly ones, the pretty ones they kept as bed warmers). They slayed goats, sheep, pigs, donkeys and any other animals who resided upon their land without Yahweh’s permission.

And thousands of years later . . . they are still doing it.

It makes one wonder how “all-powerful” this god was that he couldn’t evacuate the former tenants, something modern landlords do in a trice, without resorting to violence. And since their god sanctioned that violence then, the modern Hebrews assume it is still sanctioned today.

Truly, this is all the fault of the God of Abraham’s poor planning, poor execution, and poor choices of peoples and lands to effect his Heaven on Earth. So, it seems that a simple solution to the problems in the Middle East, the tensions between Muslims and Christians, between religions of all stripes would be a mass deicide. Just eliminate all of these troublesome gods and the world could become a better place. No guarantees are made, as there will still be the likes of Donald Trump to contend with, people who think that they are gods, but if we eliminate the big ones, eradicating the smaller ones will be easier.

Postscript What really makes this story despicable is that the “Conquest of Canaan” didn’t really happen. Those stories are part of a fictional back story written to provide the Hebrews with some spine. The sick thing is that all of the fictional eradications/massacres/genocides were portrayed as if they made their god look good. You know manly, powerful, a gigantic dick.