Hacks That Make You Hack

The Internet is chock-a-block full of various DIY hacks that are supposed to make your life easier. As a former magazine editor, however, I have a keen eye for when the photo accompanying the “hack” is out of line with the text. Here are a few examples.

The Potato Hack
Back when we had incandescent light bulbs, the thin glass used had a tendency to break and then only razor sharp shards of glass were protruding from the bulb base, so the question was how to get the broken bulb out. The hack offered was to use a bar of hand soap or a potato, which you could impale on the glass shards and then use as a handle to remove the broken bulb. But look at the photo offered to illustrate this hack:

The bulb they chose for their “photo shoot” is a compact fluorescent bulb which has a substantial ceramic base. Just grab the base and twist, idiot!

The Spray Cooking Oil Hack
If you have a squeaky hinge, one quick fix is spraying the hinge with WD-40. (Note—this is a quick fix but not a good one. It is best to tap the hinge pins up far enough to apply a suitable grease and then reseat them; this will last much longer than a “penetrating oil” will.) But If you just ran out of WD-40 and your party is scheduled to start in an hour, what is a DYI home owner to do? Just use a cooking spray as an alternative to WD-40. The cooking spray I use is a combination of Canola oil and a propellant, which would work, but look at the photo they used!

That is spray on butter! It will not (a) penetrate, (b) lubricate, and (c) come off of the wall paint without leaving an oily stain.

The Caulking Tip
Here is the text for this “hack.” “An experienced handyman once told us that you can use painter’s masking tape to get a crisp, clean line. Just make sure to remove the tape before the caulk dries fully.” But look at the “illustrative” photo:

For one they don’t show the use of the tape for caulking, but for painting, its primary use. The DIY painter is also making a bloody mess of things but I have to ask “since the base molding paint color seems identical to the wall color, why was masking even employed?” The idea is to keep one color of paint off of another or caulk off of a surface you don’t want it on.

Conservatives Explain Why They Support ‘National Divorce’ Of Red, Blue States

The Onion provided some reasoning on this topic in an article with the above title. Most of their contributions were semi-lame however. Here is a sampling.

“Presumably, the red states would get alimony.”

“Just knowing San Francisco is only 1,500 miles away from me has me terrified to step out my door.”

“Getting rid of Illinois would really shorten the drive to my mother’s house.”

“It’s unfair for red states to bear the burden of receiving and spending more federal funds.”

“It just seems easier than trying to reason with the crazy liberals who want basic human rights.”

They even got some celebrity conservatives to chime in.

“It’s been 246 years, which is a long time for any relationship. I think red states are ready to explore the possibilities with polyamorous tantric sex gurus and personal trainers.” (Marge Greene)

“I self-sabotage all my relationships, so this felt inevitable.” (Lindsay Graham)

“Wait, hold on, I still get to live in New York, right?” (Sean Hannity)

As I said, not up to The Onion’s usual high standards (although the one about the burden of having to spend all those federal funds is pretty good).

They left off a number of good reasons I am sure are making the rounds in conservative circles, for example . . .

“Hey, look at how well it worked for the Confederacy!”

“We wouldn’t have to put up with Democrat politicians, no more, or even politics, at all. We could just elect DeSantis president, and let him rule.”

“West Virginia used to be part of Virginia, right? And North and South Dakota used to be just the Dakotas, right? And Northern and Southern California used to be one state, am I right?”

“I don’t really understand all this high falutin’ politicking, but if they put an (R) after it, I will vote for it.”

Note The Onion is a satirical magazine. They make all this shit up, just like Fox News, except they tell you that they are making their shit up, unlike Fox News.

Oh, For Woke’s Sake!

Last weekend at a golf tournament, Tiger Woods slipped a tampon to his playing partner Justin Thomas, who dropped it immediately. Unfortunately, the TV cameras picked it up and now myriad people are offended?

Really?

First realize that the two golfers are good friends, live near one another, and practice together. They also play practical jokes upon one another, frequently of the juvenile kind. So, no ill intent was involved.

Apparently, Tiger had just out driven Justin, and he was giving him a “you play like a girl” sign.

Now, I can see how this might be offensive . . . to the female golfers who can outdrive Justin Thomas. Can we get a line over here? All of the women who can outdrive Justin Thomas. (No, not the long drive champions, those who actually play golf.) Anyone? No?

So, to the people who are offended on the behalf of others, in this case nonexistent others, shut the fuck up. Your input is neither helpful nor needed.

Instead of expressing your outrage, wokeaholics, how about you do something productive, like Tiger. Open up a chain of learning centers to help kids of all races and sexes get into college or a trade.

Hey, if there were a commandment against Tiger’s joke, how would it read? “Thou shalt not commit juvenile pranks” or “Prank not lest ye be pranked.” This is especially lame with the outrage coming from Christians who have a history of misogyny a mile wide and ten fathoms deep.

I Wish the Bible Thumpers Would Read the Bible—A Follow-up

I had additional thoughts regarding this comment regarding Israel’s claim to the land they occupy:

“Mike Pompeo, the former US secretary of state (under Trump, of course), has defended Israel’s decades-long control of the Palestinian territories by claiming that the Jewish state has a biblical claim to the land and is therefore not occupying it.” (Italicized words are mine.)

My thoughts eventually got to birtherism, something a former Trump official should back since Mr. Trump led the charge that President Obama should provide his birth certificate to prove his qualifications for becoming president. Well, since the Israelis claim to ownership of the land they occupy is based upon a story that says the God Almighty gave them that land; He not only promised them that land but also helped evict the squatters who were then occupying the land God had set aside for them.

This provides us with a golden opportunity. The Israelis need to show us the deed to the land that was granted them. It being signed by God Almighty would go a long way to legitimizing their claim to the land, and be the first concrete evidence for the existence of their god at the same time! A twofer!

Now we need a cute name for the campaign to get them to cough up the deed . . . deederism? How about documentarianism? Maybe it would be the world’s first probate courterism?

Show us the deed! Show us the deed!

What The FBI Found In Trump’s Safe/Home

Many of you have submitted things on your list, so here is mine. S

1. the location of Jimmy Hoffa’s body
   2. Trump’s little black book, listing all of the pussies he has grabbed
   3. A baggie containing 10g of cocaine (that explains a lot)
   4. a copy of Obama’s actual birth certificate
   5. a copy of a book “The Fifth Amendment is Your Friend,” recently read
   6. the secret recipe for Coca-Cola so that if they go out of business, he can get it made (Diet version, of course).
   7. X-rays of his heel spurs, annotated with another person’s name
   8. Boxes of his Trump brand ties he “put away” in case they ever became popular
   9. the first dollar he ever cheated anyone out of
   10. A set of posters of Hitler rallies from the 1930s with Trump’s head photoshopped over Hitler’s head, sent to him as gifts.
   11. Copies of nondisclosure agreements with dozens of women describing payments to porn stars for sex, and settlement payments to Trump staff and contractors for sexual harassment
   12. A presidential pardon filled out and signed for himself in an unopened letter he mailed to himself on January 19th, 2021
   13. A case of ketchup put down in 1996 to “mature.”

I am sure more will occur to me in time, but I had to draw a line at some point.

Let the Lists Begin!

Grouchyfarmer started the process, that of listing everything the FBI will find in Trump’s safe/documents.

What The FBI Found In Trump’s Safe

1: Hillary’s emails!!!!
2: Ted Cruz’s balls
3: Lindsey Graham’s spine
4. The first ruble Trump ever earned in a frame and signed “Love, from Vlad”
5. A book titled “101 Ways to Fake Your Golf Score”

I suspect they might also find the location of Jimmy Hoffa’s body, but that will be on my list, which I gotta go write!

Enjoy! And submit your lists!

Humor Will . . .

I have argued that humor will get us through political difficulties. (Think of Mark Twain and Will Rogers as purveyors of truth.) I used to argue that but now I am wondering. It seems that many politicians and voters have become humorless. Maybe they are just emulating their clergy.

So, Question—Why is Texas called the Lone Star State? Answer—Because the rating agency didn’t allow zero star ratings.

Now that’s funny right there . . . Git ‘er done!