Uncommon Sense

March 20, 2022

Headin’ to Heaven

So, according to the Christian voices I read, they are expecting to “go to Heaven” when they die. I wonder what is actually meant by this. One approach that came to me was to look at hymns, especially those they teach to children, as part of their indoctrinations to their faiths.

One thing that is clear, they all gonna be rich when they get to Heaven. There are myriad (and I mean myriad—originally myriad meant ten thousand, but now means uncountable; since I am “old school,” it means ten thousand to me) hymns promising each new denizen a mansion. Here is one example (just a few verses as these things are repetitious and, well, boring):

Mansion Over the Hilltop (Partial)
I’m satisfied with just a cottage below
A little silver and little gold
But in that city where the ransomed will shine
I want a gold one that’s silver lined

I’ve got a mansion just over the hilltop
In that bright land where we’ll never grow old
And some day yonder we’ll never more wander
But walk on streets that are purest gold

And there will be gold and silver and jewels everywhere (which makes them not so precious, no?), for example:

Oh, Them Golden Slippers
(Chorus Only)
Oh, dem golden slippers
Oh, dem golden slippers
Golden slippers I’se goin’ to wear
Because they look so neat
Oh, dem golden slippers
Oh, dem golden slippers
Golden slippers I’se goin’ to wear
To walk the golden street

All this talk of “we all gonna be rich when we get to Heaven” is understandable. In its early days Christianity was criticized (Mocked!) for recruiting women, slaves, and the poor, in other words, the powerless of society. None of these people tended toward wealth, so a “pie in the sky” spiel was appropriate to attract new customers/believers. (The phrase “pie in the sky” was a parody of Christian promises in songs.)

Now, let’s look at this in more detail. So, we all get mansions and gold and silver (. . . and jools, Mr. Frodo!” Shut up, Samwise). So, I have a few questions. #1 Do we eat food in Heaven? The answer had better be “no,” because there would be a hard sell as to how that food is produced, transported, prepared, served, and cleaned up after. (Remember Real Christians™ believe that magic is the tool of the Devil, so it can’t be involved in Heaven.) #2 So, is their drink (wine, schnapps, beer, etc.) in Heaven? Again, the answer must be “no” because of the same production problems associated with there being food in Heaven. #3 Will there be books and magazines, etc. in Heaven? Something to read would be nice way to pass the time, but again, production and distribution problems would be huge. (I can’t see angels working like Amazon delivery persons, can you?)

So, most of the things that give me pleasure (food, drink, learning/reading, etc.) would no longer be available, making Heaven a pretty dull place. I also assume no Internet, computers, etc, for much the same reasons (No magic! remember?)

Now, #4, Who would dust all the rooms in your mansion, there being no servants or slaves, etc. Why, you say, there would be no dust in heaven? I beg to differ; human beings are dust factories. Our skin flakes continuously, we drool and sneeze and spit liquids which evaporate and the dissolved materials left behind become, well, dust. (I don’t imagine the angels being pleased at having their feathers plucked to make dusters, do you?) #5 Who launders your clothes? Oh, there will be no clothes in Heaven? Ack, I don’t know about you but I have seen a few human bodies that looked heavenly, but the vast majority just don’t bear looking at, no? And certainly your bed sheets and towels and whatnot need laundering. Who does those? And, #6, Since there would be no waterworks, hot water on demand, soap for sale, etc. I assume bathing will not be common, no?

Now, the big question: Allah promises his martyrs a posse of virgin women in his version of Heaven, so I expect that sex will be allowed in Heaven (Your mansion or mine, my dear?). So, we have a bunch of dusty, smelly, naked humans wandering around grabbing quickies whenever they have a chance. That seems to be about it.

Doesn’t sound like a Christian heaven to me. And besides, gold is a lousy paving material. Only an idiot would pave a street with gold, even if it were free.

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11 Comments »

  1. In heaven there is no beer … that’s why we drink it here!

    Like

    Comment by silverapplequeen — March 20, 2022 @ 10:05 am | Reply

    • So. I am getting older, and therefore should accelerate my pints? I like that idea!

      Like

      Comment by Steve Ruis — March 20, 2022 @ 11:42 am | Reply

  2. We Christians focus on a material world, why not a material heaven? We’ve lost sight of Christ. We can’t see, ‘The kingdom of God is in you, here and now.’

    The bible is a breeding ground for divisiveness, (possibly purposely). Jesus told the scribes and Pharisees that life was in HIM, not scripture. And so he’s my focus.

    Like

    Comment by Arnold — March 20, 2022 @ 1:04 pm | Reply

    • Jesus also preached that the Kingdom of god was upon Earth, not in Heaven, but poor Jesus, they slapped his name on teachings that were not his. (Appalling . . . I was a teacher.)

      Like

      Comment by Steve Ruis — March 20, 2022 @ 1:15 pm | Reply

  3. if jerry falwell is in charge i want a transfer…

    Like

    Comment by darms42 — March 20, 2022 @ 1:53 pm | Reply

  4. Catholics are very vague about what heaven exactly is. official church teachings about what heaven really is tend more towards the esoteric “pleasures”, i.e. sort of basking in the presence of god like sunning yourself on a summer day at the beach or something like that, along with vague mumblings about things like ‘fulfillment’ and things like that. Heaven doesn’t seem to have any actual physical substance. Concepts like houses, gold, possessions, etc don’t seem to actually exist there. This is despite the fact that they also claim to believe in the physical resurrection of the body. So if the physical body is resurrected, but heaven is a spiritual place without substance, what exactly happens to the body? Hmm… physical bodies are required but existence is in some kind of spiritual realm without actual substance… Egads, it’s the plot from The Matrix! Heaven is actually a supercomputer powered by human bodies!

    Liked by 1 person

    Comment by grouchyfarmer — March 20, 2022 @ 10:53 pm | Reply

  5. […] Headin’ to Heaven […]

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    Pingback by Headin’ to Heaven | WE BELIEVE ANGELS VISIT US! — April 19, 2022 @ 4:24 pm | Reply

  6. […] Headin’ to Heaven […]

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    Pingback by Headin’ to Heaven | YES – Angels Do Visit! — April 21, 2022 @ 7:01 pm | Reply


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